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Thursday, January 19, 2012

Vomit. Dry Heave. "Bless You Bubby." Laughter.

One thing you need to know about me is that I have a very weak stomach when it comes to gross sounds that come out of the mouth. You know... like vomiting... or someone who has had dental surgery and they try to talk with blood and saliva-soaked gauze in their mouths. I can't take it. UCKKK... sorry... just dry heaved a bit thinking about it. The bottom line? Any gross sound like that sends me into automatic dry-heave mode. I used to love the show Fear Factor, but anytime they had to drink a cocktail of bug guts and body organs mixed in a blender, I'd lose it! My stomach muscles would literally hurt for days from the violent dry heaving that commenced.

With that being said, a few months ago my teenage son got a stomach virus. He mustered up the strength to go to school - only because he had skipped first period too many times and if he got another absence he'd fail the class. After school I picked him up and he was absolutely miserable. He said that the entire day he had an upset stomach and felt like he needed to vomit. I'm sure all the moms with sons out there can relate that boys can be a bit over dramatic when they are sick. Mine is no exception. Therefore I wasn't convinced he wasn't faking it like all the times in the past when he'd create a mixture of soup and tea in the toilet and tell me he threw up so he wouldn't have to go to school.

We left the school and went to pick up the baby from day care so that we could all go to the doctor's office to have him checked out. When we arrived at the doctor's, the nightmare began. Baby girl was so excited to be there... it was as if we were at Disney. She wouldn't sit still... began singing as loud as she could... tried to climb in the laps of random parents...and begged nurses for band-aids for her imaginary boo-boos. Finally a nurse picked her up and started visiting patients with her which completely calmed her down. She was instantly transformed from a psychotic mess to a passive angel. What the hell?

When my son was finally called back and checked out by the doctor, we learned that he not only had a stomach virus, but also strep throat. And, because he was so nauseous, he was given a prescription for an anti-nauseous medicine that was supposed to help his stomach settle down. The doctor was very proud to announce that it dissolved on his tongue so that the medicine would work quickly. Okay. Fine.

Before leaving the office, I marched my frazzled self to the front desk and politely requested a suggestion card from the perfectly groomed little cutie who worked there. I sincerely asked that the office install a Bloody Mary bar for over-worked and stressed-out mothers of sick teens and cranky toddlers. Reasonable request.

We drove to the pharmacy and waited for almost an hour for the magical medicine. All while the baby was losing her mind! She didn't want to sit still. She didn't like the  movie playing in the back seat. She was mad at us, as she said, "Iyam...maaad." It was again, another nightmare and my stress meter was on overload.

FINALLY! The magical medicine arrived. As soon as I pulled out of the parking lot, my son popped open his dissolving pill and put it on his tongue. I swear to you it wasn't 10 seconds when all of a sudden he began to panic and grabbed an empty McDonald's bag (yes my car is always full of them) and puked right in it, over and over and over. This event immediately started my dry heaving. The baby thought her brother was sneezing, rather than vomiting, so she kept saying, "Bless you Bubby" in her sweet three-year-old voice. Every time she said that, my son and I busted out laughing in between the vomiting and the dry heaving.

Vomit. Dry Heave. "Bless You Bubby." Laughter. Vomit. Dry Heave. "Bless You Bubby." Laughter.

This went on for 30 minutes until we finally arrived home. My son's belly was empty. The McDonald's bag was full. My stomach muscles hurt. And the baby girl was exhausted. Another fine family bonding moment with my teenager and toddler.

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